So in an attempt to introduce some therapeutic writing back into my life, I decided to blog again. The only thing that gets me done about blogging, is unlike the journal I keep, blogging is posted so that other people will read. What's sad about that? No one's actually reading. Or at least, I don't think they are.
On a typical day, I usually have some sort of class, library time, maybe work and almost always cheerleading. It's tough to have a day like today that goes somewhat like this:
7:45am wake up, eat something
8:30-9:45 class
9:45-10:15 run home because I forgot to wear nice clothes for job and internship fair
10:15 - 1:00 Library, study straight through for accounting
1:00-2:00 J&I, basically sucking up to whoever shows up to job and internship fair and hope for the best
2:00-3:15 accounting review session
3:15-3:30 hang out with cheerleaders to pass time
3:35-4:50 astronomy class
And not it's 5:11 and I'm back in the library before grabbing dinner and going off to three hours of practice.
Throughout my astronomy class where students asked the typical question: what in the universe is going to kill us first?, I asked myself, what am I doing? We seem to throw ourselves up against the wall, day after day for the grades, the perfect internship, hitting the routine perfectly. For what? On a day like today, where I've gotten between 6 and 7 hours of sleep each night for the week, I have to wonder: what is driving me?
I used to think it was myself. I wanted to see my report card look pretty with As and I really wanted a high GPA. The numbers were driving me. Numbers were simple. You could look at them, find a good range and aim as hard as you could for it. I liked numbers, I always have. I like right and wrong, good and bad and in calculus and accounting, these all exist. In accounting, you do the bad stuff and you go to jail. Numbers and incentives, simple.
Eventually, we get to college and those numbers become even more important. What is in your pay check? Who is going to pay me the most money? Obviously, this is very true for business majors. We are constantly reminded of the numbers, no matter what concentration within the business school you choose. As classes and exams get harder and the pressure build, the ability to do right every single time becomes extremely hard. Out of the seven tests I have taken this semester so far, I got a 95 or higher on three of them. Perfection slowly becomes out of reach for most of us.
Part of me, wants to quit, leave it all behind. It's not that I don't believe I could do it, it's that the drive is no longer there. Sure, I like to see the 95s but I don't understand how I will study over ten hours for the accounting exam in order to get one. Part of me wants to go back to Europe or start an NGO but something stops me. It's the crossroads and some of us seem to know exactly what they are doing. Yet, those of us that fake it, have to stop back and look at ourselves. We need to find what drives us and attack that. Leave the numbers out of it for just a second and do something we like. That's why I'm blogging instead of studying, because at the end of the day, it's 20 minutes of something I like.
That's my opinion of the day. Astronomy will really get to your head.
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